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Poker Humor

           A guy shows up at his Thursday night poker game with his bulldog. The dog jumps on on an empty seat and the guy buys him some chips. As the dealer starts to pass the dog by, the guy says, "Hey, deal my dog in!" Everyone looks rather askance but they deal him in. To everyone's surprise, the dog picks up the cards and begins to play! After a few hands one of the guys says, "Say, that's amazing! Your dog ought to be in the Guiness Book of Records!" The dog owner says, "Nah, he sees too many flops and is answer for a check-raise."

Upon entering the Casino Poker Card Room, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog wearing Red Shirt asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT dog wearing Red Shirt, folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." Dog Gone Poker.

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance. "This is a very smart dog.", the man commented. "Not so smart," said one of the players. "every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail." Dog Poker.

Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets. "The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep." "You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars." "Had to," he replied, "Caught him using marked cards!" Playing Poker with Dog.

Judith walked into her living room and saw her brother playing Poker with their dog. "Amazing!" she sputtered. "This must be the smartest dog in the history of the world!" "He's not so smart," her brother mumbled. "I've beaten him three out of five games so far." Poker Players are Never Satisfied.

A tinker and his dog enter a bar and discover there is a poker game going in the back room. The tinker's had a good week so he decides to join in. Most of the players are locals, but one guy, a big winner, is also a stranger in town. The tinker does OK - up a little, down a little, generally holding his own. His dog sits on a chair beside him and watches the game. About an hour into the game, the tinker gets a good 7-stud starting hand. On fifth street he makes a club flush. Unfortunately the stranger appears to be working on a spade flush and his highest up card is bigger than the tinker's highest card. As 7th street is being dealt, the tinker pats his dog on the head and says, "Girl, I sure could use an ace of clubs. " The dog jumps down from the chair, runs around to the stranger and bites his ankle. As the stranger reaches down to grab the dog, a card falls out of his sleeve. The dog quickly picks it up in her mouth and brings it back to her master. The stranger, realizing he's been caught cheating, leaps up and runs out the door with several locals in pursuit. The tinker takes the card from the dog's mouth and starts to swear, "You stupid, goddamn dog! Can't you get anything right?" The barkeep chides him, "Mister, why are you swearing at your dog like that? She just saved you a lot of money by catching that cheat!" The tinker responds by throwing the card face up on the table, "I tell her the ace of clubs and what does she bring me but the goddamn ace of spades!" Red Dog Poker.

A Red dog walks into Western Union and asks the clerk to send a telegram. He fills out a form on which he writes down the telegram he wishes to send: "Bow wow Poker, Bow wow Poker." The clerk says, "You can add another "Bow wow' for the same price." "But," the dog responded, "wouldn't that sound a little silly?"

This guy is having a lovely poker game at home until his obnoxious 12-year-old son started disrupting things by going around, telling player's cards, making noise, and being a general nuisance. The father is about to discipline him when an uncle of the family says, "Let me handle this." The uncle takes the boy in another room and much to everyone's surprise, they don't see him the rest of the night. The father says to the uncle, "I really appreciate what you did, what did you say to him?" The uncle says, "I really didn't say anything, I just showed him how to masturbate". Playing poker.

A 12 year old boy comes home from school and walks into his parents' room. Mom and dad are in bed making love. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His dad replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older sister's room to find his sister and her boyfriend in bed making love. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His sister replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older brother's room and finds his brother masturbating. He asks his brother, "What are you doing?" His brother replies, "Playing poker." The boy asks, "I thought that it takes two to play poker." His brother replies, "Not if you have a good hand." You lose!

Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence. "Tommy," said his teacher. "I've just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half." Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, "You lose."

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar West Virginia State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years. 3 Poker Dont's.

Don't ask the dealer about the odds on strip poker. Don't use a Jamaican accent while playing Caribbean poker. Don't butt into a private multiplayer poker tournament game saying "mind if I join in". A Bum Asks a Man for $2.

The man says, "Will you buy booze?" The bum says, "No." The man says, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says, "No." So the man says, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?" Angry Old Women.

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck? A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO! Beat the Casino.

What is the only way to keep your money from the casinos in Vegas? When you get off the plane walk into the propellers! Black-Sheep Blackjack.

Q: When is the only time you split tens? A: When the table is full and your buddies need a seat. Buy a pizza.


A man was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it", she replies. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house. Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" "Your horse phoned." Mistress.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very Fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club, but the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife. Pack Up.

A man came home from a poker game late one night and found his hideous harpy of a wife waiting for him with a rolling pin. "Where the hell have you been?" she asked. "You'll have to pack all your things, dear," he ad-libbed. "I've just lost you in a card game." "How did you manage to do that?" "It wasn't easy, honest. I had to fold with a royal flush." Playing Poker with the Rent Money.

That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker, the housewife told a neighbor. "You didn't do it, did you?" "I have to admit I did - though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!" Poker or Her.

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?" She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back." Poker Player and His Wife.

A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife!" "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal." Poker Tattoo.

John was a dedicated poker professional. Over the past fifteen years, he'd gotten married and was raising three fine children on his winnings. Content with the size of the family, he and his wife, Mary decided it was time for John to have a vasectomy so that they could look forward to traveling together after the children were grown. John entered the hospital and was put in room 201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight nurse went in to prep John for the procedure and while shaving around his privates, she noticed that John had a tatoo on his member that said "RUSH". The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker player herself, and was explaining to another more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker lingo. Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to see the tatoo, went into room 201 on the pretense of doing additional prep work on John. Bending over John, with much cleavage showing, she piddled around long enough to see the tatoo. Returning to the nurse's lounge, the voluptuous nurse told the other nurse, "I must have gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a poker player also, but his tatoo said "ROYAL FLUSH." Three wives in Las Vegas.

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!" The second guy says "I know what you old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers "hit me light or hit me hard", and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!" The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore di** and an a$$ full of quarters." True age?

A woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides to play at the roulette table and she says, "I have no idea what number to play." A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the woman's face and she faints.

10 Signs You Are Obsessed With Online Gambling 1. You go to a hockey game and wonder what happened to the dealers and boxman. 2. When an ambulance passes with flashing lights, you assume someone hit a "hand pay." 3. When your kid says math "came easy" today, you ask if it was a 4,6,8 or 10. 4. You go into a shoe store and ask if they have 4, 6, or 8 deck. 5. When your English professor says the author made his point; you ask if he pressed or not. 6. You hear the bible story where Lazarus is told to "Come out", and you ask for a 2-way C & E. 7. You show up early at the bakery to take advantage of the hot rolls. 8. You wonder if a salad shooter is really a gambling device. 9. When the bartender asks if you want a "double", you say not against an ace. 10. You go into a 7-11 and ask to play the "don't." Are You Gay?

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil... Satan: "Why so glum?" Guy: "Why do you think? I'm in hell!" Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" Guy: "Sure, I love to drink." Satan: "Well you're going to love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca. And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway." Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!" Satan: "You a smoker?" Guy: "You better believe it!" Satan: "All right! You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?" Guy: "Wow, that's awesome!" Satan: "I bet you like to gamble." Guy: "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." Satan: "'Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow." Guy: "WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" Satan: "You gay?" Guy: "Hell, no!" Satan: "Hm, you gonna hate Fridays then." Bill Gates gets a Poker Lesson.